How Social Connections Shape Emotional Growth: Moving Beyond the "Me" Mindset
Emotional wellness isn’t about having it all together, it's about understanding that sometimes we don’t, and that’s okay. If there’s one thing I’ve learned through my journey as a coach, it’s that developing emotional wellness is a continuous process. Life is messy, relationships are complicated, and sometimes, despite our best efforts, we feel lost, frustrated, angry, or disconnected. But there’s beauty in that struggle, and it's where real growth happens.
To get to transformative growth, we need to challenge the belief that our feelings must be managed. The assumptions baked into the “managing emotions paradigm” are that emotions are static, internal things, and therefore can be mastered with the right mental thoughts.
But is that really the full and accurate picture?
“I’ve spent years digging into this question, both in my own life and in my work as a coach. What I’ve come to understand is that emotions aren’t just something that happens inside us, they emerge in our interactions with others, through the environments we live in, and by the collective experiences we share with others.”
It might seem like exercising self-discipline or goal-focused thinking will get us to the change we want, but according to neuroscience, as soon as we exercise emotional self-control it sets off the stress response, which in turn, shuts down our openness to new ideas. Paradoxically, we become less open, curious and flexible and the conditions for transformation shrink.
To be more open to growth, it’s helpful to acknowledge that our emotions are intertwined with the world and people around us. This is why Social Therapeutics is so important and Life Development Groups are becoming recognized as a turbocharged environment for transformation.
Owning Our Emotional Experience
One of the first steps in emotional growth is taking responsibility for our emotional experiences—what we are actually feeling, instead of what we tell ourselves to feel. Vine Deloria Jr. said, “While we may misunderstand, we do not mis-experience.” (Source 1) Yet, many of us struggle to accept our emotions, especially when society tells us we should feel a certain way, whether in leadership, relationships, or parenthood. As my clients grow to feel and express their emotional experiences in the moment with me and in group, they discover that whatever they are feeling—good, bad and ugly—is something to create with.
Recognizing External Emotional Influences
Here’s where it gets interesting. While it’s crucial to own our emotions, it’s equally important to recognize that they’re not just ours. Our emotions are influenced by everything around us. The people in our lives, the circumstances we’re in, and the broader world all play a role in impacting how we feel. Emotional growth isn’t just an internal process that is happening inside of us, it’s about how we engage with the world outside us too.
Emotions are Woven into our Interactions with Others
Recent research in neuroscience and psychology shows that our emotions are influenced by our interactions with others and the world we live in. Take the early weeks of the Covid-19 pandemic, for example. The emotional distress so many of us felt wasn’t just a result of internal anxiety, it was a reaction to a world in lockdown, a world that felt uncertain and threatening.
Thomas Hübl, renowned international facilitator, teacher and author believes that emotional pain, especially trauma, is something we experience together, rather than as isolated individuals. He explains that our struggles with emotions aren't just private—they're shared with others. This idea is important because it suggests that genuine healing happens with the support of others, not just by dealing with things on our own.
Batja Mesquita and Adam Grant (Source 2, 3) add another layer to this by reminding us that emotions are inherently social. They don’t exist in isolation, they’re woven into the fabric of our relationships and our shared experiences. This relational view of emotions means that our feelings are deeply connected to how we interact with others and that our collective activities shape what we feel. Embracing the fundamental sociality of the human species opens up the possibility of a more holistic approach to emotional wellness.
Moving Beyond the "Me" Paradigm
In my work I help clients move beyond the "me" paradigm, that is, the idea that emotions are purely internal, isolated events. Group work is a powerful way to discover that others might share a similar experience (i.e., you are not alone) and to experience the sense of community and belonging that occurs when people create something together.
This shift to ‘we’ is crucial for two reasons. First, it acknowledges that our emotional experiences are influenced by external factors—by the way others treat us, by the environments we find ourselves in, and by the collective experiences we share. Second, it positions us to look at how we’ve participated in creating the emotional situations we find ourselves in. This is not about blame, but about self- and relational-awareness. It’s about understanding how our actions, our choices and even our inaction in some cases can contribute to the emotional "mess" we’re in. We all need others to help us do that. And, if we can take the risk to see that we participate in creating our emotional pain, there’s hope that we can participate in creating something new, something healthier.
Practicing relationality helps address the important issue of loneliness and social anxiety, offering valuable insights and practical techniques to help individuals build meaningful connections and emotional resilience. Combined with emotional growth and innovative wellbeing techniques, social therapeutic coaching provides a comprehensive approach to addressing these challenges.
How to Start Your Journey Toward Emotional Growth
Embracing emotional growth can feel overwhelming, especially if you're unsure where to begin. But making small, intentional changes in your daily life can lead to improvements in your emotional well-being. Here are some practical steps to help you start your journey:
Invite Others to Support You
Ask someone in your life if you can reach them when you’re feeling anxious or down. Note this is a pre-ask. You are checking out if they are open to supporting you in the future. Then, when the yucky feeling moment is going on, remember to reach out! And decide what you are wanting from them in that moment and ask them for it. Do you want them to listen? Do you want them to reply to your text with an emoji, a note of encouragement or caring (sometimes just sending the text bounces us out of our gloom)? Do you want them to meet you for a drink after work? Clients in my Life Development Groups practice this with their group mates and then try it out with family, colleagues and friends.
Reflect on Your Social Interactions, with Others
Instead of only looking inward, notice how your relationships and social interactions affect your emotions. Are there people or situations in your life that consistently trigger negative feelings? My clients have learned to process their feelings about people and work and life situations in their weekly Life Development Group. Fellow group members offer up other perspectives and possibilities that the client could not possibly have come up with on their own. Suddenly there is more space, support and openness to doing something different. Doing and communicating with others in new ways is what produces emotional growth.
Take the Risk to Let Someone Know How They are Impacting on You
It’s important to communicate with people you care about how they are impacting you. They might have no idea. Don’t assume you know how others are feeling either, be curious about how you are impacting on them. You can even ask them. Open, honest communication can prevent misunderstandings and strengthen your relationships, which in turn can improve your emotional well-being.
Create Supportive Environments
Saying and manifesting what you want and need is hard. This might mean setting boundaries with people who bring you down, seeking out positive communities or groups, or even making changes to your physical space to make it more comforting and less stressful. Joining a weekly Life Development Group is where you can practice saying what you want and need from others in the group. It’s also here you can practice creating with emotionality—yours and others. Once you get the hang of it in this lower-stakes environment, you can do it with family, friends and co-workers.
Accept Emotional Differences
Everyone experiences emotions differently, and that’s okay. What makes you anxious might not affect someone else the same way. Growing the muscles to create with emotions resizes the differences and reduces the feeling of overwhelm and powerlessness. This not only helps you grow emotionally but also fosters healthier relationships.
Key Takeaways for Starting Your Emotional Growth Journey
Beginning your emotional growth journey doesn’t have to be overwhelming. By being curious about and noticing the external influences on your emotions, reflecting on your social interactions, communicating clearly, and creating supportive environments, you can make meaningful progress toward better emotional well-being. Remember, emotional growth is a continuous process, and each step you take builds a stronger foundation for a healthier, more balanced life.
If you're ready to take your emotional growth to the next level, I’m here to help. Through personalized coaching, we can work together to navigate your unique challenges and build the emotional resilience you need to thrive. Reach out today to learn more about how my coaching services can support your journey toward emotional wellness.
I invite you to join in the experience—as a client and/or practitioner. Schedule your complimentary 20-minute call with me here.
For people, couples and families seeking innovative tools for achieving their life and relationship goals, reach me at carrie@zpdcoaching.com.
For coaches and therapists I formed the Center for Group and Couples Coaching to train coaches and therapists in this approach. Contact info@groupandcouplescoaching.com.
Sources:
1 Vine Deloria. Author, theologian, historian, and activist for Native American rights. As quoted in Native American Testimony: A Chronicle of Indian-White Relations from Prophecy to the Present, 1492-2000. P. Nabakov. P. xviii. (1999)
2 Batja Mesquita. Social and cultural psychologist and pioneer in the field of affective scientist. See: Between Us: How Cultures Create Emotions. (2022)
3 Adam Grant. Organizational psychologist and professor at Wharton School of Business. See Think Again (2021) and numerous New York Times op-ed and social media posts.